Tuesday, February 8, 2011

This is very personal, and I hesitated to post it for just anybody to see, but ultimately this blog is for my son and I want him to know the depth of my feelings.
Yesterday I ran across a blog and it's stuck in the forefront of my mind and heart.

It is written by a mama, seems to be about my age, that lost her son in October, just 17 days after he was born. While I don't personally know these sweet parents, their story struck an emotional chord in me very deeply. I ache for them and and in empathy as though I were them, I behold a piece of their sorrow. Their son was born with a heart defect, and a few days after his first surgery from which he was recovering seemingly well, contracted a blood infection and his poor tiny body shut down. He became neurologically non-responsive and with his little organs in failure, his mama and daddy had to make the decision to discontinue the life support machines and release their precious angel back to God. The first time the daddy was able to hold his son was also the last time.

The photos that were taken of the days they spent with their angel on earth are so beautiful. The photographs capture the magnificence of their tiny, beautifully perfect son. Perfection in every form except for his little heart. My heart breaks for them.

I have tears in my eyes as I type this. I have cried on and off since reading about baby Ewan yesterday. My eyes well up with a clench in my throat and chest when I think of them. This caught me completely off guard and I am surprised by the degree of sadness I feel, as though I knew them or as though it were my baby.

With the birth of my own son being just 6-1/2 months ago, healthy and thriving in every way I thank God for the gift of Bowman. We have our baby, we got to bring him home, change his diapers, comfort his cries, watch him grow and change. Ewan's mama and daddy didn't get to and I am reminded
these things are a privilege.

This can't go without saying that every single time I read or hear about the loss of a child my mind and heart go immediately to our best friends Renzi and LeeAnne, who unexpectedly lost their 11 month-old Isaiah last May. I am in awe and admiration of their faith and strength. Bowman's middle name is after Isaiah, as a remembrance and constant reminder of what Isaiah represented.

The blessing of AJ's and my own healthy baby son is so enormous, the magnitude of how much he means to us, the magnitude of our love for him; all encompassing, larger than us, larger than life. A love so vast, it can not be contained or defined; without borders or boundaries~ limitless.
This is my first experience in living the love of a parent for their child. Experiencing the magnitude of my love for our son, gives me a brand new perspective on my parents love for me, and their parents love for them and so on. In typing out my feelings in this post, and reflecting on my love for Bowman I've had an epiphany "ah-ha moment". I've had the profound realization that the enormity of my love for my child is a glimpse into the degree of Gods love for us. Just the tip of the iceberg. As vast as my love is for Bowman, Gods love is more. Think about it for a moment. I try to wrap my head around this, and it's hard to fully comprehend, and let it in. Truly amazing.

How do I begin to adequately appreciate and be grateful for the blessings in my life when I can barely comprehend their enormity? impossible. I can do my best. I can relish each moment, I can remind myself not to take anything for granted. I am given the gift of now, I do not know what will come next, and I can't LIVE my life in the future land of "what-if's". I can love with everything I have, share my joy for life and also allow the love from others around me to permeate and soak in. What I have been given is so amazing, how could I rightfully ask for more? Often, we don't even ask, we expect. Is an expectation of more, taking for granted what we have now?

So right now I absorb God's love and if I am blessed with more, I will continue to share it.

If you would like to read about Baby Ewan and his mama and daddy, here is their link

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for sharing. It is so true how when parents hear of children dying how it tugs on our hearts. How it makes us become more and more loving towards are on children. How we want to hold and squeeze them tighter. How it pushes us to never want to let them go. It also makes us realize that life could be worse. that pain could be worse and it just makes us thankful for the lives that we have.
    Great post and thanks for sharing.

    Have a blessed day!