Thursday, October 14, 2010

And I thought giving birth was hard...

Monday is the official end to my maternity leave. 12:41AM Friday morning marked 13 weeks since my sweet angel baby Bowman was born. The past 13 weeks have been so amazing and joyful for me, and I feel so blessed. I keep reminding myself how fortunate I am to have had this time with him, but it's so hard to leave him now.

I never anticipated the magnitude of feelings I would have for this child. It's impossible to articulate but if you;re a mother, I don't have to articulate it because you know.

Everything I thought pre-baby has flown out the window at 100 miles per hour and an entirely new set of feelings and emotions have set in. I never in one million years thought I would want to stay at home. AJ and I both agreed that probability of yours truly going kookoo-bonkers was relatively high, so we have always planned that I would continue to work and we would have a wonderful nanny care for our children. (side note, this is what I had growing up, my parents were and are still both owners of their own respective architecture and design businesses. My brother and I had two or three wonderful nannies over the course of 0-16 years old and a few not-so-wonderful ones along the way as well :)

So in planning for Bowman's arrival we of course had to start planning for his care during the work week. We started to have hesitations about a nanny because it would be so hard to find someone we could trust, that could also deal with our dogs (120 pound Bernie and 10 pound Murphy are pretty high maintenance and can be quite the snobby-doggies) and also what happens if our nanny gets sick or wants to go on vacation heaven forbid, both of which are completely normal! So we decided to just check out some infant care programs in our area, namely the one across the street from my office! It was the perfect location and the program appeared to be wonderful, the best of all that we visited. With such a convenient location I could go see him whenever I wanted, we decided it;s what we wanted to do so we got on the waiting list. Bowman was accepted into the program about 6 weeks after he was born and his first day was set for October 18th. Last week beginning on Monday 4th, I started going in with him in the mornings to spend time and help he and I get adjusted. That's where it all went downhill. By last Wednesday night I was absolutely beside myself in near hysterics.

After spending 3 mornings there, I had come down with a very sore throat. It was apparent that Bowman just wasn't going to receive the level of attention and interaction that I wanted for him. I sobbed all Wednesday afternoon and all evening. Basically inconsolable. I mean it was bad. I prayed and prayed about it. All I wanted was to feel that Bowman would be WELL cared for, I wanted to return to work knowing that I didn't have to worry.

I was laying in bed, still crying to AJ, feeling eternally helpless and then it hit me; God sent me this precious baby boy and I knew that he would send me someone special to care for him. I got up and went to my laptop. It was after midnight and I googled "Sacramento Nannies" and several nanny placement companies came up in the results, which I perused... but I had only 7 working days at that point to find someone!! impossible! Then I saw that Craigslist had also come up on the list of results. There were so many postings under childcare, hundreds. How would I find anything there? I just started scanning the postings and within 5 minutes I found Caitlin. Her posting was from a few days prior, but she was just what I was looking for. I sent her an email describing our family and the reason for my last minute search, my exact words were "...and here I find my self after midnight searching Craigslist hoping for a miracle.." well lets just say, it was meant to be and I got my miracle. Caitlin called me the very next morning saying she felt compelled to call me as soon as she got my email, and we made arrangements to meet at Starbucks the following day, which was Friday. We met and discussed her background and experience working with children and other light conversation. I got to really feel her out and I thought she was great so the next step was to set up an interview at our home with AJ. We set that up for Monday at 5:30PM, AJ quizzed her asking her all sorts of questions about her background and experience. After the interview we both agreed she would be wonderful for sweet Bowman. We offered her the job on Tuesday and she accepted!

long story short, it was meant to be.

I think sometimes things just fall together. It is astonishing that I was able to find such a special person to care for our most precious treasure, just when I needed her.

So I got just what I wanted and yet here I sit on Saturday evening and I'm beside myself. I do not want to leave him. I would say that giving birth is the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life, but I think leaving my son to go back to work takes the cake. My logical side knows that I'm being neurotic, but my emotional side keeps winning the battle. The source of my worry is the transition for Bowman. He's been with his Momma for 13 weeks, and I'm afraid it will be hard for him getting used to a new person. I'm caught off guard by my viceral reaction to the idea of leaving him; leaving my baby couldn't feel more un-natural. My daddy has always told me to "focus on what you want to happen" and that focusing on your fears makes them reality. I keep telling myself to STOP, and that all will be good. I keep praying for inner-peace and trust and keep reminding myself that God is with us. It's just so hard. SO hard.

It would be so hard to leave my job though. I work for a awesome non-profit re-development agency. They do SUCH great things for the community and I work very hard to do an excellent job for the organization. It feels so good to go to work everyday and make a difference. Also, I feel like if I stopped working it would be a long-term decision. Once out of the workforce it's so hard to get back in. It's not a decision I ever plan to make off the cuff, nor do I take it lightly.

I go back to work not as a different person, but with an entirely different outlook and set of priorities. So many things I used to think were important just aren't anymore. I just love AJ and my Baybo so much, that's all that really matters.

The past 13 weeks mark the beginning of a new lifetime for AJ and me, and our new family of 3. What have I learned? I am capable of so much more than I ever imagined, and AJ and I have both discovered a new love that neither of us ever imagined; for each other and for our son.

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