Sunday, October 24, 2010

Weekend fun with the Baybo

After the hardest week of my life- I started work again which was the most emotionally difficult experience of my life, and to top it off AJ was gone the ENTIRE week for work! Some how we all survived and really enjoyed the weekend together. It rained all weekend here in Sacramento but that didn't stop us from going on our daily walks and Sunday morning outing to the farmers market. This is where the UppaBaby stroller really got to show off. Bowman loves the bassinet attachment, and it has a cover that keeps the weather out and Babybo stayed warm under his soft blankets and cozy and dry. Here are some photos of him in his ride...

Bowman and I got in some really good cuddle time. I so treasure our naps together, and it was so nice with the rain outside the window to be warm and cozy with my little guy. He is such a cuddle-love-bug and I hope he stays that way, I have a feeling he wont have much choice. AJ and I had some good cuddle time too, we ordered a movie Saturday night and cozied up on the sofa. but 15 minutes into the movie we were both asleep! Tired momma and daddy :)

Bowman gets a bath every evening as part of his bedtime routine, so far we have 4 different bathtubs- this whale one I picked up at Target is the latest. I like it because he is partially submerged in water but there still is no chance of his head tipping into the water because he's fully supported. AJ recorded this little video Saturday night, it looked like Bowman was practicing for swimming tryouts, he was kicking and punching the water so seriously. We cracked up over it.

Poppie comes to visit on Wednesday and we're so excited!!

Well off to bed for the new week to begin. I leave you with a photo of Bowman cooooooing at me and one of him in his punkin' head hat :)

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

New Toys for Baybo!

Believe it or not, it is getting easier. Monday was insane. I have never in my life experienced anxiety like that! It came from deep within, from an instinctive place. It was true separation anxiety! It's getting better because our nanny Caitlin is doing so well with Bowman! He has been so happy the past three days! I mean look at him! How could you not have separation anxiety?!?
Yesterday when I got home from work our foyer was filled with boxes from I had ordered several baby gadgets and goodies. Fun Fun!

We finally got the Baby Bjorn Active carrier. Bowman really likes it! I knew he would because he loves to be carried facing out this exact way! We tried on his little Sooner hat from his Aunt Ann too. He is obsessed with the Baby Bjorn Babysitter seat I got him as well. This thing is awesome! It bounces with his movement (soon he'll figure the cause and effect correlation between his kicking and the seat bouncing) and I ordered the wooden toy attachment which is perfectly placed for him to really see his hands and the toy and he's totally working on his hand-eye coordination. He played with it for 45 minutes, grasping and batting. He was super hungry and I was amazed at how long this held his attention! Here's a little video I took of him in it...

Monday, October 18, 2010

Good Fortune :)

Tonight I had two fortunes in my cookie. Both poignant right now...

It's not mutual...

Apparently only one of us is experiencing separation anxiety, and thank goodness its not Bowman. Caitlin sent me this picture while I was at work today... thank goodness he is happy!

I made it

I made it out of the house and to my desk. When I left him with Caitlin he was happy :) It was so hard for me. On the inside my body was screaming, and panicking but I kept it cool on the outside.

I just sat down at my desk after 15 weeks, and this is taped to the side of my monitor. I think that I read through it about 5 times to really let it resonate. You have no idea how much I needed this reminder.
So here goes...minute #1 of day #1. I'm back!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

And I thought giving birth was hard...

Monday is the official end to my maternity leave. 12:41AM Friday morning marked 13 weeks since my sweet angel baby Bowman was born. The past 13 weeks have been so amazing and joyful for me, and I feel so blessed. I keep reminding myself how fortunate I am to have had this time with him, but it's so hard to leave him now.

I never anticipated the magnitude of feelings I would have for this child. It's impossible to articulate but if you;re a mother, I don't have to articulate it because you know.

Everything I thought pre-baby has flown out the window at 100 miles per hour and an entirely new set of feelings and emotions have set in. I never in one million years thought I would want to stay at home. AJ and I both agreed that probability of yours truly going kookoo-bonkers was relatively high, so we have always planned that I would continue to work and we would have a wonderful nanny care for our children. (side note, this is what I had growing up, my parents were and are still both owners of their own respective architecture and design businesses. My brother and I had two or three wonderful nannies over the course of 0-16 years old and a few not-so-wonderful ones along the way as well :)

So in planning for Bowman's arrival we of course had to start planning for his care during the work week. We started to have hesitations about a nanny because it would be so hard to find someone we could trust, that could also deal with our dogs (120 pound Bernie and 10 pound Murphy are pretty high maintenance and can be quite the snobby-doggies) and also what happens if our nanny gets sick or wants to go on vacation heaven forbid, both of which are completely normal! So we decided to just check out some infant care programs in our area, namely the one across the street from my office! It was the perfect location and the program appeared to be wonderful, the best of all that we visited. With such a convenient location I could go see him whenever I wanted, we decided it;s what we wanted to do so we got on the waiting list. Bowman was accepted into the program about 6 weeks after he was born and his first day was set for October 18th. Last week beginning on Monday 4th, I started going in with him in the mornings to spend time and help he and I get adjusted. That's where it all went downhill. By last Wednesday night I was absolutely beside myself in near hysterics.

After spending 3 mornings there, I had come down with a very sore throat. It was apparent that Bowman just wasn't going to receive the level of attention and interaction that I wanted for him. I sobbed all Wednesday afternoon and all evening. Basically inconsolable. I mean it was bad. I prayed and prayed about it. All I wanted was to feel that Bowman would be WELL cared for, I wanted to return to work knowing that I didn't have to worry.

I was laying in bed, still crying to AJ, feeling eternally helpless and then it hit me; God sent me this precious baby boy and I knew that he would send me someone special to care for him. I got up and went to my laptop. It was after midnight and I googled "Sacramento Nannies" and several nanny placement companies came up in the results, which I perused... but I had only 7 working days at that point to find someone!! impossible! Then I saw that Craigslist had also come up on the list of results. There were so many postings under childcare, hundreds. How would I find anything there? I just started scanning the postings and within 5 minutes I found Caitlin. Her posting was from a few days prior, but she was just what I was looking for. I sent her an email describing our family and the reason for my last minute search, my exact words were "...and here I find my self after midnight searching Craigslist hoping for a miracle.." well lets just say, it was meant to be and I got my miracle. Caitlin called me the very next morning saying she felt compelled to call me as soon as she got my email, and we made arrangements to meet at Starbucks the following day, which was Friday. We met and discussed her background and experience working with children and other light conversation. I got to really feel her out and I thought she was great so the next step was to set up an interview at our home with AJ. We set that up for Monday at 5:30PM, AJ quizzed her asking her all sorts of questions about her background and experience. After the interview we both agreed she would be wonderful for sweet Bowman. We offered her the job on Tuesday and she accepted!

long story short, it was meant to be.

I think sometimes things just fall together. It is astonishing that I was able to find such a special person to care for our most precious treasure, just when I needed her.

So I got just what I wanted and yet here I sit on Saturday evening and I'm beside myself. I do not want to leave him. I would say that giving birth is the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life, but I think leaving my son to go back to work takes the cake. My logical side knows that I'm being neurotic, but my emotional side keeps winning the battle. The source of my worry is the transition for Bowman. He's been with his Momma for 13 weeks, and I'm afraid it will be hard for him getting used to a new person. I'm caught off guard by my viceral reaction to the idea of leaving him; leaving my baby couldn't feel more un-natural. My daddy has always told me to "focus on what you want to happen" and that focusing on your fears makes them reality. I keep telling myself to STOP, and that all will be good. I keep praying for inner-peace and trust and keep reminding myself that God is with us. It's just so hard. SO hard.

It would be so hard to leave my job though. I work for a awesome non-profit re-development agency. They do SUCH great things for the community and I work very hard to do an excellent job for the organization. It feels so good to go to work everyday and make a difference. Also, I feel like if I stopped working it would be a long-term decision. Once out of the workforce it's so hard to get back in. It's not a decision I ever plan to make off the cuff, nor do I take it lightly.

I go back to work not as a different person, but with an entirely different outlook and set of priorities. So many things I used to think were important just aren't anymore. I just love AJ and my Baybo so much, that's all that really matters.

The past 13 weeks mark the beginning of a new lifetime for AJ and me, and our new family of 3. What have I learned? I am capable of so much more than I ever imagined, and AJ and I have both discovered a new love that neither of us ever imagined; for each other and for our son.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Sweet Baybo

Bowman coos and talks to me like none other- it's so precious and it makes me absolutely melt into a puddle of lovey-goo. Here's my sweet angel

Here is Bobbie holding him in the nursery while he looks at his Momma...

...Playing Pattycake with Bobbie

Thank you iPhone4 for taking great videos of my handsome little baybo!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Sunshine on my heart

To see my mommy with her grandson makes me so happy. Thank you for coming to visit us this weekend Bobbie!!

Friday, October 8, 2010

10 Pounds 5 Ounces...12 weeks ago

12 weeks ago today my Baby B was born!

I still can't believe that #1: Bowman was that big when he came out #2: that I some way managed to deliver a TEN pound FIVE ounce baby after 23 hours without a drop of pain medication. It's pretty crazy and amazing.

Just goes to show that preparation, trust & belief in your self, and the grace of God can go a looooooong way!!!...Oh, and an amazing husband that wont let you give up :)

(We are so VERY lucky to have a healthy baby, because he got stuck on the way out. We didn't know it at the time but I found out after the fact that Shoulder Dystocia is every doctors worst nightmare because it is impossible to foresee and if they don't act incredibly fast and accurately, it's how babies die! It means that if I ever have another baby I probably will have to have a C because it's not worth the risk.)

I need to remember that if I made it through that labor, I can do ANYTHING! :)

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Imperfect Is Perfect

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect, it means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections" -Anonymous

I read this quote today and as a new mom it couldn't be more meaningful to me right now. I want to do everything perfectly for my baby son, but have to constantly remind myself there is no such thing as perfect.

I personally have a hard time accepting the fact that perfect is an unattainable standard. Those of us Type A's that set the bar very high for ourselves, are in danger of being plagued with the guilt of "should have, could have and would haves" and never quite good enough. While there is nothing wrong with expecting the best from yourself and others, when you constantly set your expectations just outside of the realm of possibility, within the realm of perfect, you are setting yourself up to fail and disappoint. This is perpetual self-sabotage.

I am imperfect, and I'm trying to learn to accept that's ok, it's real, not a cop-out. Do my best and be happy and enjoy life, that's my mantra of the moment.

On that note, here IS a picture of perfect in my eyes :)

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Cute Obsession

Besides my Bowman who is cuter than cute, my latest cute obsession is this Danish toy company Franck&Fischer. In a sea of mass-produced annoying, cheap plastic baby toys it is so refreshing to see a company doing it right with toys that are back to the basics and absolutely adorable! I've been wondering what happened to the sweet little wooden toys of my childhood well, here they are! I think it's safe to say there wont be any toxic-toy recalls from this company! While I'm sure its inevitable that Bowman will have his fair share of the afore mentioned annoying baby toys we are all familiar with, I'm going to make sure he has a plentiful array of toys-done-right like these ones :)

Sunday, October 3, 2010

11 Wonderful Weeks

Bowman is is 11 weeks old as of 12:41am Friday morning. He is a wonderful, happy baby. He is full of smiles and coos that warm my heart like nothing I've ever experienced before (see the video in my post Baby Talking below). He loves to watch me make faces, look at colorful books, and look around in general. It's funny he LOVES having his diaper changed in fact if he is crying sometimes I lay him down and take his diaper off and he instantly starts smiling and kicking, I think what he loves is having his diaper off- I would too! He likes going for walks in his stroller or sling- the movement puts him right to sleep, if heaven forbid I stop walking for a moment Mr. Precious will let me know he is displeased:) I knew it was probably too early for him to be able to sit in but I couldn't resist getting him a Bumbo seat when we were at Target last week. We tried it out as soon as we got home and voila! he really likes it! He seems very pleased with himself when he's in it :) here he is in his Bumbo just before 10 weeks old. On this past Wednesday we had his 2 month check-up. Baby man weighed 15lbs 4oz, and 25.5 inches long. Im not a bit ashamed to say I'm proud of myself because he is still 100% breastfed, some how I'm managing to keep up with him! Pumping is SUCH a drag because it's double duty- I just take it one day at a time, at this point it's what works and I want him to have my milk that's made especially for him, as long as I can possibly stand it :) At 95th percentile for all three measurements, weight, length and head circumference Dr Lee said he is the size of a 4 to 6 month old baby. Thus my nickname for him "Mr. Meatball" he's a stout and meaty little guy!

After much stress and agony, and great input from my mommy and doctor friends, I decided not to do an alternative vaccination schedule and to go ahead with all of the vaccinations during this visit except for Hepatitis B. I'm going to wait until he's walking for that one. Hep B is transmitted like HIV, through needle sharing or sexual transmission, so I had decided to wait until he's pre-adolescent but our doctor told us that unlike HIV Hep B remains live for up to six months! The earliest he'd seen was a 3 year old that found a syringe while playing at a park! So I quickly changed my mind and decided Bowman will get it once he's moving around. I was crying before his shots and had to leave the room, AJ held him while the nurses gave him the 2 shots. It was great because we had two nurses that gave the shots simultaneously instead of one shot after the other, prolonging the agony. Bowman screamed and cried for about 60 seconds and then he was all smiles, unlike his momma :). Later that afternoon I could tell he wasn't feeling good by the way he was crying so he and I spent about 4 hours cuddling and napping in his nursery chair and he was back to his sweet self feeling great the next morning.

He's even cute when he's about to cry...
He sleeps 5 to 7 hours a night but the problem is that time begins at 7 or 8 o,clock and we don't get to bed until 11 so regardless of how long he sleeps we aren't getting as much as we'd like but that's our fault for staying up too late.

We are really working on getting him to go to sleep on his own without being rocked to sleep. Dr Lee says that if we continue to rock him to sleep and let him fall asleep while he's eating its a recipe for disaster. What he's effectively doing is creating conditions or cues in order for him to be able to fall asleep and by 6 or 9 months we'll be the parents that spend 2 hours trying to get the baby to sleep at night. So what we do every night is: 6:15pm go for a walk with B in the sling (The New Native is AWESOME he LOVES it!) the walk is a stall tactic delaying his hunger just a bit. Then when we get home I feed him a nice big bottle (remember I'm pumping) so he is nice and full. then it's bath time, which he loves. His bath is about 10 minutes and then I get him out, dry him off and give him a lotion massage. Fresh diaper, Snuza clip, swaddle, pacifier, calming music (usually this nice classical album or Stephen Halpern "Music for Sound Healing") and then into his Zen swing while he's still awake. The whole process takes about an hour, and so far it's working. When we go to bed I move him from the swing to his Snuggle Nest, soon I have to transition out the swing, and transition the snuggle nest from our bed into his pack-n-play crib in our room,and then eventually from pack-n-play in our bedroom into his crib in his nursery but hey, it's all a work in progress :)

Here he is after a nap in his nursery with his "friends"...